Saudade

I love everyone here – I want to stay.

I love everyone at home – my children, parents, friends. I am so eager to hug them all. I miss them so much. Let’s go, I want to take you all from Brazil with me. No, I want to stay but everyone from home to come here.

I love my home – miss my garden, kitchen, my cats, the mountains the cool clear mountain air, camping in my wee little tent.

I love my beach in Rio, the islands in Fiji, the breathtaking mountains in Nepal, the feeling of freedom and joy racing up the hill on a moped to get a little closer to the infinite vastness of the sky above.

I miss my family in Nepal. I want to be there to help them harvest rice, share meals, spicy snacks, drink warm roxy on the rooftop, laugh, be together, be me. No, I need to be here to help them more.

I want to take the children to Canada so they can go to a good school. I want the children here to come to Canada to study in the summer. No, its better for me to be here for them. But then, I’ll need to leave home again, leave my children, my students there, my colleagues, friends…

I love my backpack – the weight feels so good on my back. Can’t wait to explore again – alone, meeting so many interesting people. No harp, no titles, just me. Learn new languages, food, feel unsettled and free.

But I can’t wait to come back here – not just for one month but for 5! Speak Portuguese again, listen to bossa nova, dance samba, walk on the beach every morning and greet all the other regulars. And this next time, bring my own children, or a friend. Introduce them to every unique and wonderful person I hold so dear in my heart.

I want to lie on the beach. Make music with friends. I want to race up a mountain on a scooter, down mountains on skis, learn another new language, improv. I want to fly on the water with a kite – one with the wind, sit alone at a lake so silent I hear the birds gliding overhead.

I want it all, I want you all – all to be with me, all the time.

Ah yes, you are here in my heart – always, everywhere, Forever!

Saudade…

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  Jun 25, 2015

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